i hate summer so much it's horrible i cant even cut myself cuz i gotta wear short sleeves everyday this is hell fucking kill me uguhuugug gi wanna cut so bad but i CAN T efuhuhiushfulkchjhd i hate being a girl ("""girl""") i wish i didnt have boobs i wish i didnt hafta be called maam every day and i wish my friends actually fucking respected that and didnt just act as if nothing ever happened when EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS and i wish this fucking witch bitch whore of a teacher i have wasnt a transphobic peice of shit and didnt just actively make me backtrack becasue it goes againt the school rules dawg what YOU do goes againt the school rules KILL YOURSELF i genuinely cnant sstand this anymore ive wasted so many years of my life hating myself and honestly i dont think anything is gonna fix me anymore im genuinely so cooked i prolly wont ever be able to transition cuz ill die of lung cancer bfefore that and if i font die ill have to pay like 3 arms and 20 legs just to get top sugery and i WONT HAVE THE MONEY since i prolly WONT HAVE A JOB and ill be lost and without support and ill lose my mom and zchkjsbcdkbcdc..........i feel so bad for something i havent even done yet bro. like im prolly gonna havfta leave my mom when she tells me that i'm no longer her child when i come out so she'll just shrivel up and die from cancer while i'm trying to hand myselfin my 2sq meter appartement in montreal. life doesnt feel like its worth living as a girl. i hate everything i think im gonna cut and uh fuck me if anyoen find out. ill just wear a shirt or smth idk. fuck; i need to die right now. i should kill myself bro i hate this udhhkqdHSQHSHSHJQHSQJHS every day i fantasize about waking up in a hospital and having my mom understand that what's important is that i'm alive and not the fact that i still have tits and that it's either she accepts me or we dont know each other anymore and she takes the first route and i hafta take care of her when she grows old even when i dont wanna but a least i can spend some time with her and she doesnt die alone while having no one else. but i know that thisll prolly never happen and that ill have to suck it up for the next like 4 something years and waste my childhood and waste real years of my already short life playing pretend to not upset my Mother. i hate this world i hate islam i hate muslims i hate being arab and i hate having a family. i wish i never was born.
i'm really this close to just giving up and locking myself into the bathroom until i bleed out or something. she woudlnt even notice cuz she'd be too focused on tiktok to notice her child killing himself
on some life changing fanfic bs rn. gonna wake up tmrw feeling like a renewed soul or smth....vices & virtues i LOVE YOU (not as much as mirrors, but still a lot) janka nation you are feeding me WELL!!!!! maybe i can get a future and uh maybe i can make it past 20 (never really expected to make it ngl but i'm getting closer nd that's scary as shit (says the 14 y/o)) and maybe not KILL MYSELF....how about that huh huh. also yeah it went pretty okay i guess past me dw u don't gotta stress so much (watch me starts graying at 30 (if i make it till then) because of exam stress)
geuninely going insane WHY DID I CHOSE TO MAKE A PRESENTATION ON THIS UGHGHHGHG...;;whatever. whatever. at least i can talk abou Epic and get graded on it;;; yeah...future me when ur done with the exam (literally in 2 days) PLEASE tell me it was fine and people APPLAUDED when u were done and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU DIDNT HAVE MR BLANCHARD OR BAYONA. PLEASE.
whenever something really satisfying happens (like good fucking food or a perfact drawing( i can't help but moan a little inside my head. it' slike my inner femboy takes a peek at the world....i might be going insane but that's okay i drew kaeten as a femboy twice yesterday so. it's fine. i should listen to body the pistol more
i lowkey wanna play dofus again.....fought with mama abotu y future job, apologized & said i'd become a doctor (LIE!!!!). i remmeberd i have another computer.....might download dofus on here. i mean the servs r prolly dead but idc it's fun alr
i HATE HATE HATE HAET HEAT!!!!! oh my GOOOOOODDDDUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCFKCUFCKCUKFCUF8CUFUCKTHISSHIT. school break is over.....going back tmrw HGUHZGUHZGUHZGUHUGZHAIUHGI i hate this place i wish everyone here would just die already (except my friends, obv). i won't even be able to semi-ish pass anymore. nvm not "pass" but like....look like i wanna be a guy. i hate summer SO SO much...i can't hide my curves with cool clothes and i'm too awkward to wear shorts until june so i'm just stuck with t-shirts and hot (& tight) ass pants. fuck this. i can't even get relieved with cutting anymore cuz i can't wear long sleeves. AND we got sports ?????, man fuck this i'll just jump. if reincarnation was real i'd have killed myself ages ago to even just have a chance to become a guy. i don't care how many times it'd take. i just wan a flat chest....is that really too much to ask ????? ughhhhhhhghhgghhhhhhhhhh.....i'm just so sad and miserable all i want is a binde and stop feeling so uneasy about my future. i feel like fuking kieffry. listening to slipknot rn....i wish i could slip that knot around my throat
today was the theater final! gonna miss Noelle and Anturia. i was bragging to Fariha and Tarshana about how Nerf's gonna come and all....they did not come. prolly cuz of their parents. mom coul'nt come either, she's sick. i felt so so so sad and lonely the whole thing. i KNOW that i'm just being stupid and both of em rly wanted to come anc couldn't, but c'mon how fucking bad is my luck ?????? and our play didn't even get half the claps as all the others did. fuck all of this. i'm gonna kill myself. speaking of killing myself i said that thrice today (4 if we count this one) and two of those got a reaction ('hell yeah!' and 'why so ?'). i might actually cut rn it's been a WHILE snce i've done it and lord the itch is coming back. i didn't even stop to be healtier or smth i just. didn't feel like doing so. but now i kinda do. i save it for special ouchies tho...cuz it needs a lotta aftercare nd all. i aint tryna get an infection. i feel so depressed and sad and empty. maybe the dysporia too. forgot to mention WHy i was so devastated that my mom didn't ome. i'm pretty sure those few years before majority are the last few years i'll spend with my family in a whiiiiile so it realy hurts that she missed not one but TWO of my plays :( and she prolly won't even be able to see me play eyevr again!!!!! i always feel like i'm living on the edge. like this is all just a tutorial before the actual game starts. parents are always like "oooo she's so independent look she doesn't even love us she just want to leave whenever she can!" but your SON knows that you'll never accept him and that he'll have to plan a LOT for when you unavoidingly throw him the fuck out for being queer. and your son also knows that he'll be getting NO support from his family and probably not from friends since you're gonna make him move to a whole new country where he's gonna be dependent on you for YEARS. so your son is planning ahead to not get high and kill himself under a bridge for a cigarette
all of my life plans are ruined. if i move to canada, i won't have ANYTHING or ANYONE to support me when thinks unavoidingly go bad.I'd made all of these plans and made sure that i could do what i need when i can, but now all of it is ruined. at this point i'd better just throw myself into a lake and let myself drown...i should really just fucking kill myself. i wish i had the balls to do it at 11 bro. my entire life is ruined and i cant keep doing this anymore...the best chance i have is prostitution bro what the hell please someone kill me; i'm listening to a muship song rn and let me tell you it's enhancing my suicidal energy by like 20%. i think i'm really gonna have to make a playlist of songs i'd kill myself to eh...anywho. it's almost 1 am and i'm very late night high i can't even feel my limbs anymore. i really wanna cut but my blade is dirty and i don't want it to get infected.....eh, i can always sanitize it later. not now tho. i still gotta wait a week...and then i'll be able to do whateeeeever i wanna do with my body. heh. even hurl it off of a bridge if i wanna
UUEEUEHEUEHEEUEUUEUEHEHEHEHEHE UEUEHEHHEAUEHAEHUHEUHAE8!!!!!!!!!!!! UUGHGHGHHGGUEHGUHUHVUQSHUQS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ToT i'll never be a guy....never ever will i ever be that....i don't even care about chromosomes or tits or anything anymore...i won't even be able to ever have a real cock. i know this sounds so fucking stupid and gross and disgusting and it is but oh my FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!! i'll never be able to jerk it....i'll never be able to have intimacy with another guy and have it feel right...i'll never be able to hug someone and have em nibble on my adams apple....i prolly won't ever be able to have a flat chest anymore. i wish we were anything else than capitalist so maybe i could have a chance to get top surgery or anything without having to die twice and steal coins from people tryna cross the styx because i'll be too BROKE to ever get it....ugughzeuhUGHUHGEUGE THIS IS EATING ME INSIDE!!!!! i'll never have the teenager exploring his sexuality thingie....because what can i even do ????? just looking at myself for too long make me want to KILL MYSEFL!!!!!! i want to die so fucking bad UGHGHGGHHGHG I HAte BEING A GIRl....i don't even have a proper binder!!!!! i've been binding for the last two something years with a swimsuit; i don't give a shit if it deforms my ribs and hurts and makes me want to kill myself...i'd do fucking anything to have a flat chest. i hate this so much. kille me PLEASE. and don't even get me started on teh constant misgendering. i've come out to SO MANY of my friends and yet almost ALL OF EM call me a girl on the daily. the fuck is wrong with y'all ???? you watn me to kill myself or something ????? once i even was forced to come out to em, and they still didn't even respect it!!!!! if you're gonna press me about my gender the fucking LEAST you can do is FUCKING EVEN TRY TO REPECT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS SO MUCH i'm gonna slit my wrists open and let myself bleed out and then we'll fucking see if i'm just following a trend anymore YOU FUCKING MORONS I HOPE ALL OF YOU DIE IN GRUESOME WAYS.
okay that last part was false sorry i got a bit too mad i love all of my friends but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stop misgendering me or i'm gonna hafta contact the suicide hotline
hiiiiiii i hate exams so fucking bad....uughghghghgg most stresfull month of my life (not rly)....uhhh, i did some new art....alsothe piko banner you're seeing here lol. named it "piko piko island".....this song trauma'd me istg. i hate it with a vigor. i got a chemistry exam tmrw! i wanted to do smth artistic but my family would literally smite me so uh. i'm doing chemistry studies. whatevs. at least maybe i'll be able to jabby jab my way outta there. listening to Second Curse rn....kikuo...save me kiko...i can oshi oshi oshi money money you.....heh (no i won't. i don't even know this man.). AAAALSo i MIIIIGHT be able to buy a binder. basically if i do an exam good enough i can get like 100 free euros so then i can buy myself a binder. and if i don't manage to do that i'll just do art commisions during summer break lol. if anyone even WANTS to commision me..; whatevs.
i'm gonna kill myself i swear i will fucking kill me already ohhhh myyyy gooododdoododod broooooohoohohhohhhhhhhhhh ughghghgggggghghghghghghghgghghghghghgg fucking kill meeeemememeeeeeqeqedsvjcnsbdkglKBX QNK i want to rip my skinn off so fucking bad i want to cut my insides open and then throw my fucking guts onto the fucking wall someone decapitate me alreadyyyyy only 4 years left!!!! 4 year to last!!!! 4 years!!!! 4!!!! c'mon chat!!!! i can do that!!!! 4 years!!!! 4 years isn't that long!!!! c'mon!!!!! i'll do it!!!!! that makes uhhhh 1440 days or smth....eyahhhahahaaaaa i can do this. 1500 days left!!!!!!!!!!! i'll do it!!!!!!!!!! and then i can leave this fuckass torture jail of a house and say fuck you to my family and kill myslef under a bridge or something. i'll find me a nice place...and get top surgery...or at least a binder...and get me some sorta job!!!!! and then i'll live a nice life!!! and maybe kiss guys!!!!! and i'll be called a dude nd all;..;;;;i will. 100%. i won't kill myself before that;;;;just a few years left to hold up chat